Pisgah Road Read online

  I didn’t want get caught in that trap either. “Let’s not talk about Daniel’s issues today, okay?” I moaned.

  She was relieved and said with a little laugh, “Okay. Tomorrow then.”

  “No. Alice’s party is tomorrow. It’s best to talk to him when he’s sober. We don’t want to ruin the party for him, right?”

  “I guess.”

  She wanted to talk more, but I told her it could wait. I wanted us to enjoy the last day of our vacation without talking about issues brought over from London.

  “We can deal with it when we go back. Can’t we just have a day for ourselves?”

  She nodded. She reached over and took my hand in hers. The sun was strong and it had already started to burn us. She raised her head and bathed in the sunrays for a moment before putting on her Panama hat. I could see the little freckles on her chest popping like little brown mushrooms. I reached over and put my hand on her chest, feeling the warmth of her skin. Only a few months earlier I would have just dreamed of such an act. It was so easy now and so welcoming.

  She put her hand on top of my hand and said: “You’re right. This is our time. This was for us and we’ll deal with Daniel when we go back tonight.”

  After breakfast we went to our room, grabbed our knapsack and started our trek.

  We walked in a leisurely fashion, holding hands and talking about our classes and plans for summer holidays. We’d been together, at least officially, for three months by then, but we were old friends so we didn’t need to learn each other like new couples. We didn’t need to waste time to selectively explore our past. We were comfortable with one another and with the exception of sex everything else was the same with us. But that’s not a trivial exception, is it?

  We were walking and she was taking pictures of the sea of flowers to our right and left. She then stopped and took a picture of me as I tried to grab the camera out of her hand. She included that photo in the box as well. It’s mostly my hands reaching for her, but behind the bars of my fingers is my face, looking at her affectionately. I had forgotten that look. I had not seen it in my eyes for a decade. I look like a stranger behind my own fingers. As soon as I grabbed the camera, she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder. I tried to take a picture of her but she pushed my hand away and asked without any preamble, “How come it took you so long to show your…”

  “What?”

  “…To ask me out?”

  Gabrielle’s voice is soft and soothing so even questions laced with accusation have a velvet touch. She had excused it earlier by attributing our delayed union to Daniel, but we both knew it was just that, an excuse. More than that, it was a legitimate question, but then again I could ask her the same question. It took me a long time to reveal my true feelings for her, but she didn’t help either. I knew the answer to her question though. It’s simple: fear. But I couldn’t tell her that, could I? I couldn’t tell her that I was afraid of rejection. I couldn’t bring myself to be honest with her. It’s horribly difficult for me to share my emotions, even with someone as empathetic as Gabrielle.

  “I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t know.”

  “I was never sure if you noticed me.”

  “I noticed you.”

  “That’s not what I mean. I mean it always seemed that you were distracted. It seemed I could never get your attention, not properly anyway…not focused just on me.”

  “I don’t know what to say. Why didn’t you try to be more explicit?”

  “I did.”

  “When?”

  “From the first day we met. Do you remember? I told everybody to go away and dance, and I took you downstairs to our kitchen. We spent a long time together in that party.”

  “Oh! But I only made you angry that day.”

  “You did, but I forgave you quickly and I stayed with you for the rest of the party. And then a month later, when we all went to the movies and I pretended to be scared and held your hand. And…”

  “I’m sorry, Gabrielle.”

  “Oh, no. That’s not what I’m trying to elicit. It’s just that I’ve liked you for a long time and yet you never showed any interest. It was just frustrating.”

  “Why didn’t you ask me out on a date? It doesn’t have to always be initiated by the boy.”

  “Of course, not. And you’re very right. But I was so afraid that you’d reject me and it would have ruined our friendship. I looked for a sign from you, but you seemed so aloof. I thought I should wait to give you more space but then time passed and we were just friends, like Daniel and me, wasn’t it? And I am such a coward.”

  I felt small. She was honest and gave away her secret without prodding and yet I still couldn’t bring myself to reveal to her that I felt the same and feared the same things.

  “But it has all worked out, hasn’t it?”

  “It has and I am so happy. I am and I don’t really want to dwell on the past. It’s just that we’re so right together and we’ve been such good friends. And I’m sorry to bring this up when we’re having such a good time. But as we were walking together it occurred to me how well we fit together. I just wished we had done this much earlier. I wished I hadn’t listened to Daniel.”

  “What did he tell you?”

  “Don’t get angry with him. You know, Daniel. He never tells you what to do directly but he has his way of making you think things twice.”

  She was right of course. Daniel had his way and we seem to fall in line. He had been pushing me in his own way to go after Gabrielle, but when he saw how terrified I was he knew I wasn’t ready for her. That’s why he had been advising her to do the opposite. He didn’t have the answers but I couldn’t blame him. He was like an older brother trying to protect her from the whim of an indecisive scared boy.

  “I wish you hadn’t either, Gabrielle.”

  “Oh. That makes it awful, actually.”

  “It does?”

  She sighed. “It sort of does. It proves Daniel was right. He told me that you liked me, but you weren’t ready for me.”

  “I was confused,” I confessed.

  “Are you still?”

  “Oh, no.”

  “Do you love me?”

  All that time, she had been keeping her head down against my chest, as if talking to the flowers below us. But she had looked up to ask her question and was staring directly in my eyes, waiting for my answer, not allowing me to be distracted. This was the first time we had spoken of our real feelings. It was so bold and strong but that’s how she was. In a few minutes of conversation, with only a few words from me, she had learned that I was as much of a coward as she was, but worse because I had hidden my true feelings while she had exposed herself so freely. I wanted to cry out that I loved her from the first day, but I couldn’t and I didn’t.

  “You know I do.”

  “Do I?”

  “Why do you want to have a fight, Gabrielle?”

  “I don’t. Honestly. It’s just that sometimes when you think I’m not paying any attention, you look at me with such adoration that I think you love me, but when you catch my eyes you become so unyielding.”

  She was still staring at me but she couldn’t read anything so she added, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

  I kissed her and she kissed me back, but I never said the words and she didn’t insist.

  We walked in silence for another ten minutes, each of us analyzing what had just transpired. She was still taking pictures of me, and the nature that surrounded us. We had stopped so she could put a new roll of film in her camera when she said, “Let’s take this little trail.”

  It was a narrow path hidden underneath the flowers and it seemed to disappear after a few yards in the woods. “It doesn’t go anywhere.”

  “It must go somewhere. Where’s your sense of adventure? I thought you were a farm boy.”

  “Don’t see the connection, Gabrielle,” I replied but relented when she put the new roll in her camera and started walking on the na
rrow trail.

  After thirty minutes or so the colors of the flowers started to change and the trees grew thicker, making the air a bit cooler and the ground rougher. It had become very peaceful and quiet with only an occasional interruption from the birds that had earlier seemed to have so much more to say.

  “Isn’t this much better than walking under the hot sun?” asked Gabrielle.

  I had to agree as we walked freely in the cool shades of the trees. We walked for a while and when we finally reached a little river, we stopped on the other side of it after maneuvering over the large rocks. We had lunch and lay on the blanket, listening to the gurgling sound of the water.

  I had my head on her chest and she leaned her head over and kissed me. I kissed her back and then grabbed her and pulled her on top of me. We kissed for a moment and then she rolled off and lay on her back. She beckoned me by grabbing my hand and putting it on her chest like I had done earlier in the day.

  “We’ve never made love in the open.”

  “I hope that’s going to change,” replied Gabrielle.

  “For sure, woman.”

  I unbuttoned the top button and kissed her chest. She unbuttoned the rest and her small breasts spilled out. Before I started kissing them, I looked up to make sure we were alone though that was given, as we had not seen a single soul since we had left the main path.

  There was no one around and Gabrielle grabbed me and tried to pull my head down to kiss. And then it occurred to me, and with it, a cold sweat engulfed my body.

  “Look around, Gabrielle.” I said it with such intensity that she thought an audience was watching us. She pulled her dress together and raised her head to look at what I was pointing at with my head.

  “What? There’s nothing there.”

  “It all looks the same.”

  “What looks the same? Are you okay?”

  “The topography. There is no path and everywhere you look is the same.”

  “So?”

  “How are we going to find our way back?”

  She laughed and let go of the front of her dress, exposing her breasts both as an inducement and a distraction. “You scared me. The path is just that way across this little river and to the left.”

  She pointed to the direction behind her but that didn’t convince me. It’s very easy to get lost in the woods. We had walked for some hours before reaching this point and although the sun was still up, I had no idea where the inn was compared to our current location. The ground had turned rocky with fewer wild flowers an hour after we left the main path so we couldn’t try to use the trampled plants as a guide.

  I stood up to get a better feel for the area but there was no signpost and no pathways. Gabrielle grabbed my hand and tried to pull me down.

  “No,” I said.

  “Don’t get excited. This is a small woodland.”

  I didn’t want to point out that even in a small wooded area one could get lost for days. I didn’t want to overreact and scare her, but I also had some experience with long hikes in areas where after a few steps you couldn’t find your way back and people had to be rescued after days of dehydration and exhaustion. We were lucky that we had found this river so we had water, but we needed to start walking to make sure we were not really lost.

  “Please, Gabrielle. Just humor me and let’s walk back towards the inn.”

  She nodded in assent even though she thought that I was overacting. She was good about understating other people’s sense of urgency and panic. She buttoned her dress and grabbed the blanket and stuffed it in our backpack.

  “Ready when you are.”

  We navigated back to the other side of the river and walked in the general direction of where I thought the main path was. There was a small mound ahead of us and we both remembered passing by it earlier. That was encouraging and Gabrielle took a photo of me going up the little hill to survey the area. She had included that photo in the package as well. I was standing on top with one hand on my forehead looking lost. After taking the photo, she had run up the hill and sat next to me after forcing me to sit as well. I was getting agitated and she tried very hard to calm me down.

  “You’re right. It all looks the same. Where do you think the main road is?”

  She sounded composed and her soft tone relaxed me too. “I don’t know. My guess is in that direction. What do you think?”

  “I’ve no idea, but I trust you.”

  We stood up and walked towards the direction I had pointed. I grabbed some rocks and made a mound pointing to where we had come from and later broke some large branches making them dangle in the wind like broken arms. She didn’t comment on any of my actions and walked leisurely next to me, at times behind me to take pictures. After a while, we reached a large clear area that was unfamiliar.

  The sun was lowering in the west and a small breeze was picking up. There was no other sound but the rustle of the wind as it moved through branches. Gabrielle looked at me and smiled. She still had full confidence in me and that made me feel strong. She shivered a bit when the wind picked up and cooled the air.

  “Are you cold?”

  “I’m fine.”

  I took the blanket from the backpack and put it around her and she took it gratefully.

  “Join me.”

  “No. I’m okay. Do you mind sitting here for a second? I’m going to run to the edge of the trees on that side to see if I can see anything familiar.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “No just sit here. If it’s good, I’ll call you.”

  “Okay.”

  I ran towards the direction I had pointed to and reached the tree lines in no time. There was nothing familiar about it. I cursed myself for getting off the main path and then for being so distracted. It was basic survival skills to mark your path when you go to a new territory. I ran back to Gabrielle ten minutes later. She was sitting on a large rock staring at me and when I got closer she took a picture. I looked sweaty and frustrated.

  “Are you thirsty?”

  “No. I’m okay. I think it’s that way.”

  I pointed to a new direction and started walking. She stood up and followed without another word. I was confident that we were on the right path and walked resolutely towards what I thought was the direction back to the inn. We walked for an hour and when I was about to tell Gabrielle that we were almost there, I saw the mound of rock and heard the distant gurgling of the water. I felt utterly defeated, knowing that I had just wasted more than hour of our time circling back to where we had started.

  “Fuck! Fuck!”

  Gabrielle put her hands on my shoulder and whispered, “It’ll be okay.” It was as if I was the only one who was lost in the woods and my failure had no impact on her. I was angry with her for being so calm.

  “It’s not okay. Dammit, Gabrielle. Don’t be so daft.”

  She withdrew her hands. “What do you want me to do? Panic? Do you want me to start crying? You’re doing just fine for the both of us.”

  “It was foolish to get off the path. It was stupid and I was stupid to listen to you.” It wasn’t fair but I wasn’t thinking straight.

  Her reply was measured. “Maybe, it was, but we can’t take it back, can we?”

  “Yes, but it was stupid of us,” I replied.

  “Okay. Perhaps, it was. But, you just need to calm down and think. You’ve always claimed that you’re a survivalist and you grew up knowing what to do in these situations. Now do it, rather than floundering around like a headless chicken.”

  “Yes, but…”

  “I trust you, sweetheart.”

  That was the first time she had used such a term of endearment. It was not the kind of words twenty-somethings use but at the moment it was so right. We walked over to the little river and washed our faces and I went back and sat on the grassy mound that we were on a couple of hours earlier. Gabrielle was still at the bank of the river, trying to cool down after the hard walk back. I called her and she turned around to face me,
but she did it too quickly and she fell. She must have hit the ground hard because she didn’t get up quickly and I ran toward her.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she replied though I could tell she was in pain.

  I helped her up and then carried her to a sandy part of the riverbank. She had fallen on the soft muddy ground and the front of her dress, her face and hands were covered with mud. She laughed and I laughed with her, happy to have the distraction. Then I noticed the traces of blood on her left leg.

  “You’re bleeding.”

  She looked down and pulled up her dress a bit. “Fuck. That’s no good.”

  She must have hit a sharp rock, though it wasn’t too horrible. I helped her back to the river so she could wash her face and hands and clean the wound. It was useless to try to clean the dress. We didn’t have a first aid kit so I cut a piece of fabric from my undershirt and wrapped her knee.

  “Are you in pain?”

  “Not too bad. I can manage, if you kiss me.”

  I did and then we sat next to each other watching the water rushing past us. It was getting late and I was eager to start searching for the main path. Gabrielle sensed it.

  “Okay, I’m ready to go. Find us a way back home,” she ordered.

  Her earlier lecture and the fall had a sobering effect on me. I was clear that she hadn’t done anything wrong. She wanted to get off the path and I had agreed. She had grown up in London, so she knew little about planning for such things. The fault was mine. I should have been more careful.

  “How is your leg?”

  “It’s fine. Don’t worry about me. I’m ready to go when you are.”

  “Let’s wait a few more minutes. Let me think for second.”

  I tried to remember the details of the large map that was displayed in the lobby of our inn. It had the contour of this woodland with all the trails. The one we took was a ten-mile loop with a few shorter inner loops. It stood in the northwest corner of the map and the inn was at the edge of that loop. That part, I clearly remembered. I checked with Gabrielle and she recalled the same thing.

  I couldn’t recall seeing this river on the map, but perhaps it was too small to be shown or maybe it was there and I missed it. We had taken the little path to our right so no matter how we entered this area the best way back was to walk northwesterly as much as possible. I tried to recreate the map on the dirt in front of me, drawing as much as I could from memory. She leaned down and stared at my map for a moment and then erased part of the river that I had drawn and redrew a new line that curved on the opposite direction.